Your decluttering efforts have finally started paying off. With the help of this humble little website, you’ve begun paring down your possessions. And it feels great! Then…it happens. Your parents have decided to hop aboard the ‘death cleaning’ train and they want to give you their stuff before they die. There’s only one problem. You don’t want their stuff. How can you tell your parents you don’t want their stuff while still honoring the past and respecting their wishes?
How to Tell Your Parents You Don’t Want Their Stuff
First off, what is ‘death cleaning’ and how does it affect you? Basically, it’s a not-so-new concept of decluttering while a person is still alive so as not to burden others with a house full of stuff when you’re gone. It’s becoming increasingly popular thanks to a new book: “The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family From a Lifetime of Clutter by Margareta Magnusson.
I’m all for death cleaning, in fact, I’ve been doing it for over a decade. However, the act of death cleaning may ultimately cause problems between parents and their children when the parents start offering (or worse, insisting their children take) their unwanted possessions.
Related Post: What is Death Cleaning and When Should You Start?
A brief search on Google will tell you that younger generations (particularly Millennials) don’t want their parent’s stuff. In fact, increasing numbers of Baby Boomers, have decided that “less is more”. And, frankly, that’s not a bad thing.
When faced with aging parents insisting you take their china, bulky furniture, and knick-knacks, how do you (politely) tell your parents you don’t want their stuff?
Put yourself in their shoes
Back in the day, the accumulation of “stuff” reflected a person’s status in life. A house in the suburbs, two cars in the driveway, and a hutch full of fine china were an outward sign of success. Couples requested fine china, crystal, and quality furniture as wedding gifts because it was expected that they would carry on in their parent’s ‘successful’ footsteps.
It’s entirely possible your parents believe they will advance your social status by giving you their stuff.
Go back even further to the days of the Great Depression, and you’ll discover people held on to everything and never turned away a passed-down item. Why? Because they knew stuff was expensive (and back then, well-made), money was often hard to come by, and everything could be stripped away from them at a moments notice.
Your parents may, in fact, think they are helping you financially by giving you their stuff.
Older generations often form deep sentimental attachments to their stuff. When they try to pass on their memories to you (via their stuff) they are {understandably} hurt when you refuse to take it.
To the older generation, ‘stuff’ represents a part of themselves. It embodies treasured memories. It tells a story of who they are and what they have accomplished.
Offer to preserve memories without taking their stuff
You can tell your parents you don’t want their stuff without negating the memories of their stuff. After politely declining the house full of antique furniture you mom wants to ‘gift’ you, ask her to pass the stories of the items on to you instead. Then, take videos or photographs of her most treasured pieces, so you can pass the history on to the next generation.
Suggest solutions
After declining your family’s treasures, the next step is to suggest alternative ways they can find new homes for their belongings. If their goal is to give something away to someone who will use/love it, then help them find that ‘someone’. Advertise online: “Free antique hutch full of fine china. Tell me how you will treasure it. The best story wins.”
Other solutions for dealing with unwanted family heirlooms are:
- Suggest they offer it to other family members
- Seek out a worthwhile charity to donate to
- Have an estate sale
- Repurpose the items and sell them
- Hire a liquidation company (they will come in, appraise items, cut you a check and haul it all away.)
Whatever you do, discourage your parents from renting an off-site storage unit at all costs! Doing so will only delay the inevitable and drain their finances. Neither of which is a good thing.
Related Post: Letting Go of Other People’s Stuff: How to Declutter Family Heirlooms
Be firm yet gentle
Once you decide to tell your parents you don’t want their stuff, it’s important to be firm, yet gentle in how you approach the topic. Anticipate hurt feelings. Expect them to feel as though you are rejecting a part of them and their past.
Reassure your parents that it’s not them (or their stuff). You know, the old “It’s not you, it’s me” line? Explain to them that (much like them), your goal is to live with less. Which means, if you don’t absolutely love an item or have an immediate use for it, you do not want to bring it into your home.
Discuss the non-material things your parents have passed on to you and express your gratitude to them. Hugs, kisses, and tears are allowed and encouraged!
Keep the conversation respectful and loving, but be firm at the same time. Do not waver in your conviction to simplify your life. Hopefully, your parents will understand and support your decision to turn away their stuff.
If not…
How to Tell Your Parents You Don’t Want Their Stuff: Dealing with Complications
If you, like many of us, are ‘fortunate’ enough to have a slightly dysfunctional family, complications may (will) arise once you tell your parents you don’t want their stuff. These complications may include:
- Anger/resentment
- Guilt-trips
- Outright threats
While you can’t prevent any of these undesired outcomes, you are completely in charge of how you handle them.
If your parents start hurling insults and threats at you, it’s important to remain calm and remove yourself from the situation. You can reopen communications with them once they’ve calmed down. Remember, no one can MAKE you do anything. The decision to live with less is yours and yours alone. Realize that the anger and resentment your parents may direct towards you is a result of their own unhealthy attachment to ‘stuff’. It’s up to them to find a way to deal with it. Not you.
When your parents start laying a guilt-trip on you for your unwillingness to ‘help them out’ by taking their unwanted stuff, gently remind them of your reasons and offer to help them find other takers.
It’s entirely possible your parents will threaten to keep it all and leave it for you to deal with when they are gone. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do in regards to this scenario, except have 1-800-GOT-JUNK saved in your contacts for quick reference.
Remember…
Sometimes the best way to tell your parents you don’t want their stuff is to say nothing at all.
This article deals with what to do when your parents offer you unwanted stuff while they are still alive. If your parents have yet to offer you anything because they hope to leave it all to you when they are gone, then you are off the hook…for now, at least. There’s no need to tell an aging parent what you plan on doing with their stuff when they pass away. Especially if they have a deep attachment to their belongings. Doing so will only cause them pain and heartache while they are still here. And nobody wants that.
READ MORE:
- Letting Go Of Other People’s Stuff: How To Declutter Family Heirlooms
- Declutter Fast With The Shock Treatment Decluttering Method
- What Is Death Cleaning? And When Should You Start?
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My parent continues to buy me stuff at dollar stores and other places to ‘give to other people’ as gifts. It drives me crazy. She bought 7 sets of kitchen towels/pot holders in the hopes that I would want to give it to my friends. I have no desire to do so…it’s her trying to control my actions by telling me what to do (and doing what she’d like to do). This has been going on for decades. I’ve told her to quit buying me stuff to give to other people. It’s sad b/c she doesn’t have friends in her life and I think she’s trying to live through me. She has probably spent hundreds/thousands of dollars on dollar store things over the years yet has a 40-year-old couch supported by old pieces of wood b/c she doesn’t want to pay for a nice new couch and spend money to have her old one taken away to the dump. Just needed to rant.
When my mom would offer me things, instead of telling her I didn’t want them, I would just say thank you and take them. After they both passed, I brought a lot of stuff back to their house so my brothers and their wives could have it. What was left over, I invited friends to come over and get what they needed, I gave a patient one of my favorite chairs, it was exactly what he was looking for, to read to his son’s in. I wish I had read this article before my parents both passed, I would love to have known the stories behind some of those things.