Aunt Ada’s 24-piece floral tea set, Great-Uncle Bill’s rusty old tool collection, Grandma Bessie’s antique china cabinet. Sounds like you may be holding onto other people’s stuff. Nevermind the fact that you don’t drink tea (and you hate floral patterns). You’re not the least bit handy (i.e. you couldn’t use a wrench to save your life). And that china cabinet? It’s in your storage unit; collecting dust. Do you wish you could declutter family heirlooms without feeling guilty, fearing you’ll offend other family members or being obligated to store other people’s stuff?
The good news is, it is possible to free yourself from the guilt, fear, and obligation which have been shackling you to other people’s stuff for far too long. You can let go of other people’s stuff and reclaim your personal space, style, and joy. Here’s how…
Letting Go Of Other People’s Stuff: How To Declutter Family Heirlooms
Are you holding onto unwanted family heirlooms out of guilt, fear, or obligation? Are you afraid that, if you give up the family heirlooms you have been entrusted with, you will be banned from the annual family reunion? Perhaps you were nominated as your family’s curator; even though you never wanted the role. More than likely, your guilt keeps you from eliminating what you still (mistakenly) think of as other people’s stuff.
Some people begin to feel guilty whenever they so much as think about decluttering family heirlooms.
The question is, why? One reason we may feel guilty is that a loved one who has passed away thought enough of us to gift us their treasures. (Whether we wanted them or not). We tend to feel even more guilty if the person who gave us the item is still living. What if they find out you sold/donated it? Will they be angry or think you are ungrateful?
Many people are afraid to face the potential fall-out from their fellow family members.
As a result, they allow unwanted family heirlooms to occupy space in their homes. After all, isn’t it more important to “keep the peace” than to take back your personal space? Unfortunately, this can lead to feelings of resentment among family members. Eventually, you’re bound to grow tired of storing other people’s stuff.
Often, you are burdened with unwanted family heirlooms because, for one reason or another, other family members thought you would be the best caretaker.
Maybe you have a large home or storage unit. Perhaps you are “settled” in life and do not have plans of moving. It could be that you are simply more responsible than other family members. Or, maybe no one else wanted the clutter so you took it in just to save it from the landfill. As a result, you feel obligated to hold onto everything just in case someone else decides they want something…someday.
Give yourself permission to let go of family heirlooms
Whatever the reasons are, the fact is you are now burdened with other people’s stuff. You need to let some of it go, but you aren’t sure where to begin.
First and foremost, you will need to give yourself permission to declutter your family heirlooms. It’s time to release yourself from the guilt you may be experiencing. Understand that you are not going to upset the deceased. Once someone has passed away, they no longer care about what happens to their stuff.
Know that you cannot control how other family members may react to your decision to declutter family heirlooms. If it bothers them so much, suggest they take on the responsibility of storing the items. Maybe that will change their tune. {smile}
Imagine for a moment that the person who left their belongings to you were still alive. Do you think they would want their possessions to be a burden to you? Or, would they want you to be happy by only keeping the items that you truly love, have space for, and can take care of?
Declutter Family Heirlooms: First thing’s first
It is vital that you stop the flow of other people’s stuff into your home. From here on out, if a friend or family member offers you something that you either do not love, have room for, or cannot maintain, you should politely say “no”. Explain to the person that you value the memories you’ve had together and that those memories will live on in your heart.
Physical objects can never take the place of the people we love.
If the person is offended or feels as if you’ve rejected them (instead of their stuff), apologize to them but do not waiver in your conviction. Suggest they give the item to another family member who will use/appreciate it. If no one else wants it, perhaps the person offering the object can sell it and use the proceeds to travel or donate to charity.
How to let go of other people’s stuff
Once you’ve given yourself permission to declutter your family heirlooms, and have dealt with the feelings of guilt, fear, and obligation, that may have once plagued you, you can (finally) begin the decluttering process.
The first step when decluttering family heirlooms is to decide which items to keep. When deciding which items to keep, make sure you save only the items you truly love, have space for, and can properly maintain. For example, if Grandma Bessie left you her entire house of antique furniture, but you live in a 300-square-foot studio apartment, you are going to have to part with a few many of the larger pieces. (Unless you enjoy paying for off-site storage). In this case, you can choose your favorite (smaller) pieces (even if it means breaking up a set), and let go of the rest.
Display the items you decide to keep in a place of honor in your home. Don’t hide them in damp basements or dusty attics.
Next, to properly declutter family heirlooms, you’ll need to find homes for the items you do not want to keep. Before rehoming family heirlooms, you may want to take photos of some of the more sentimental items. This way, you can retain the memories without having to possess the actual item. Here are several options to get you started:
- Ask if anyone else in the family wants the item(s); or, if the original owner is still alive, ask them if they would like the item returned to them
- Donate items of historical importance to area museums (including military museums)
- Donate to your local preservation society
- Contact the History Department of State Colleges
- Donate to thrift stores such as Salvation Army or Goodwill (often, larger thrift stores will pick up items for free)
- Donate the items to a charity auction
- Sell valuable pieces to antique dealers
- Sell items via classifieds, eBay, Facebook, or Craigslist
- Have an Estate Sale
There’s no need to feel guilty earning money from the sale of family heirlooms which legally belong to you. If for some reason you do, you can always donate the proceeds to charity.
Memories are the key not to the past, but to the future.’-Corrie Ten Boom
When decluttering family heirlooms, it’s important to remember that we do not honor our loved ones by holding onto the stuff they once owned. Rather, we honor them by the memories and stories of them which we treasure in our hearts and minds. When we share the memories and stories of our loved ones with others, we are ensuring their legacies live on.
We do not live on through our things, but through the legacy, we leave behind.
By choosing to declutter family heirlooms, you will not be erasing the memories of the past. You will simply be making space for new ones.
READ MORE:
- What Is Death Cleaning? And When Should You Start?
- How To Tell Your Parents You Don’t Want Their Stuff
- 10 Best Books About Decluttering That Will Change Your Life
- How To Declutter After Someone Passes Away
« No Knick-Knacks Allowed: 6 Reasons I've Banned Tchotchkes From My Home
» How Do You Know If You're A Hoarder? 20 Symptoms of Hoarding Disorder
Hi Susan, I can understand your feeling of oddness about being the last person alive in your family line… Hopefully, you’ve made some progress by now. Good luck!
I don’t feel guilty that I am about to sell (through an antiques dealer) many items that belonged to my grandparents and my parents. What I feel odd about is that I have no siblings, no children, my boyfriend doesn’t want most of this stuff, and I have no one to leave it to who really wants any of it. With the proceeds I can pay off some debt, which my parents would be happy about, and maybe a chunk of my student loans depending on the value of my items. (Absolutely no idea. It could really be junk in someone professional’s eye in which case I’ll get a second professional opinion then Goodwill and other charities will get lots of stuff!). I love the idea that someone may find an item that my grandmother loved, that my mother saved from her family, and love it too.
I have eleven days to get used to the idea and will keep a few items; what really means something to me. Thank you for helping me start to let go.
This is somewhat new to me but after living in the same home for 20 yrs and our kids are grown it is time to downsize and declutter. Had saved all my kids build a bears etc, Barbie’s , toys and also had parents items as well China, collectables .I finally ask the kids to take their stuff for grandkids and they we’re not interested ( if I kept it then they were but not to take to there homes. So I sold some and gave some away .. such as All the build a bear, clothing and accessories went to a church family with many kids. It gave me joy seeing the items being played with .. It’s been a year and this year I’m planning on going through a large cardboard box with photos the plan Making photo boxes for my two kids and one for myself. What they do with the them after the box leaves my hand is totally up to them.
Happy New Year to letting Go.
This may not be your style ( I understand) but I have seen many neat crafts done with old photos… Happy new year and best wishes decluttering.
We have loads of stuff that belonged to my Mum and Mother in Law. I’ve decided that we can’t keep it all, so I’m about to go into declutter mode. I’m going to make up a Treasure Box of important things that belonged to my parents and my husband’s. Photos, personal trinkets and other items will go into it. I’m also planning on making a few of my late Mum’s cardigans/jackets into cushion covers for my Daughter, eldest Son and myself. A little piece of her to stay on in our lives. The rest will be sorted out and either sold, donated to charity shops or, in the case of my late Dad’s Australian Air Force uniform, donated to a museum.
I have two large framed pieces I am looking at inheriting. One is a painted picture of my great grandparents, and the other is their wedding certificate. Both late 1800s early 1900s.
I have no idea what to do with them when I go, as I am the last in the line and not having any kids.
My sister-in-law was a old maid and not very nice. She had large photo books. What can I do with them. Right now they take up extra space.
What do I do with my grandmother(s) and my mom’s expensive jewelry, wedding/engagement rings, jewelry boxes full of stuff? My mom used to make jewelry from turquoise and other gems and I have a whole box of that plus necklaces, bracelets, rings, etc. Have no clue what to do with this expensive stuff. Feeling overwhelmed.
My mom, mother in law and husband all passed away when I was 38. Plus I come from a family deep into ancestor worship, meaning that if a relative ever touched it or used it we’re supposed to keep it and admire it even if it’s not particularly special. One day I woke up and realized that my home was a museum of other people’s stuff, and I’d been steadily getting rid of my things and hobbies to make room for ghosts. Ditto for adult kids. Now I have a firm policy of not keeping things for people who don’t live here. I find “gifts” from living relatives of heirlooms are really just them wanting me to be their free storage unit. Nope.
I’m totally fine with getting rid of stuff, but I have some things that my mom is really attached to. For example, there’s a cradle and a rocking horse my grandfather made for me. She would take them herself, but she doesn’t have her own place to live and can’t afford storage. I have plenty of room where I live at the moment. Should I just keep holding onto them until someday when she has a place to keep them?
Amen to that!
If nothing else, your article reminds me how important it is to not burden my children with stuff in the future. Time to break the cycle!!
Claire,
That’s a tough one, for sure. You’re right, you can’t declutter heirlooms that don’t belong to you. No matter how tempting it may be!
What you can do is open up dialog with your husband in order to see if you can pinpoint the reason(s) he is unwilling to let go of these items. Perhaps it’s because he’s not ready to face the reality of his mother’s death. Also, some people form an emotional attachment to items which other people view as garbage. Your husband may have fond memories of his mother cooking with some of those hideous kitchen gadgets and that’s why he doesn’t want to part with them. 🙂
I recommend gently trying to encourage him to go through things a little at a time, display his favorite pieces, take photos of the rest (to put in a frame or scrapbook), and donate or toss the rest. Remind him he is not furthering his mother’s memory by keeping her stuff stored in boxes behind closet doors. Give him time to grieve and provide a listening ear to any stories he may have of his mom (good or bad). Eventually, he’ll come around.
BTW, I checked out your post about unconventional wall art. We too have displayed some of my husband’s favorite comic books in a collage on the walls in our bedroom. We have made sure to keep them away from direct sunlight/heat in order to preserve them. It’s so much better to display the items you love instead of keeping them in boxes where you never get to see them. Isn’t it? 🙂
My husband’s mother passed away about a year ago, and we have a lot of her things in boxes tucked away in closets and in my parents’ basement. There are some great items in there, but also loads of hideous china and crystal and unnecessary kitchen gear (I didn’t even know what a potato ricer was! I thought it was like a garlic press for onions), some of which is rather rusty. We recently moved, and managed to get rid of some stuff, but my MIL’s things aren’t up for negotiation at all. Since these aren’t my family heirlooms I can’t get rid of any of them quietly on my own, but my husband has no interest in getting rid of anything. Right now most of it’s hidden away behind closet doors, but occasionally I find myself wishing we had more storage for the things we do use instead of 8 muffin tins and a cassette tape deck. Any advice when the heirlooms are a family member’s?
Lynn,
Without knowing what types of items he made for you, it’s hard to say. Are they things that would be useful to other people? Is there anyone else in your family who would benefit from using them? If the items are broken or unusable, it’s ok to discard/recycle them. Take a photo before you do in order to have something to hold onto if you need to. My uncle was an awesome woodworker. After he passed away, my aunt donated some of the items he made to area churches & businesses. She still has some key pieces displayed in her home that hold a special place in her heart.
Very true! Why hold onto something you do not enjoy when someone else will.
Keep your favourite, let someone else enjoy the rest. Lots of people love vintage and antique things and make them work in thier homes. You are doing everyone a favour.
I really could relate to this article on decluttering heirlooms. Thank you! My biggest hurdle is getting rid of things my dad made – many especially made for me specifically. My 3 daughters have taken a few things, but I have many more. Some I still use, but others are in storage. Any suggestions?